Beware, daters: Not everyone who says they’re looking for their “king” or “queen” has good intentions.
There’s a new dating term called “throning” − which means dating someone to raise your social status. The goal for throners is to land a partner with clout, so their own image gets a boost by association. Unlike “Shrekking,” which involves dating down in the hopes that person will treat you better in return, throning involves dating up − for all the wrong reasons.
“Basically, the date is a throne that is used to elevate the person who is doing the throning,” one TikToker explains in a video. “The scenario focuses solely on social influence or status and not on building a real emotional connection.”
The TikToker warns: “If a person seems overly focused on your status or social circle and changes their behaviors towards you depending upon whether you’re in public or private… this can indicate throning.”
Throning has gone by different names in the past (“gold digging,” “clout chasing,” etc.) What’s new, however, is the impact social media has had on throning. Throners aren’t just dating people for their money or power; they’re also dating people for their followers and online influence.
“People are curating relationships the same way they curate content,” says Amy Chan, a dating coach and the author “Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts.” “The rise of throning also reflects a growing focus on self-image and external validation. Social media has amplified this, training us to care more about how our relationships look than how they actually feel.”
‘Throning,’ hypergamy and when dating becomes a performance
We all want love − but some want more.
Some want love and status. And, if they have to pick one or the other, they’ll ultimately choose the latter.
“Throning is when someone positions their partner as a status symbol,” Chan says. “It’s about dating someone specifically because they elevate your image. The name comes from the idea of putting someone ‘on a throne’ to boost your own clout/social capital.”
The term also comes at a time when online discussions about hypergamy and the supposed nature of romantic relationships are especially contentious. On some corners of the internet − such as in the “red pill” and “manosphere” communities − people (mostly men) frequently accuse women of pursuing relationships solely with those whom they perceive of greater status in a certain way − a practice called “hypergamy.”
Some online have openly embraced this type of relationship dynamic, seeking the advice of dating coaches and websites specializing in hypergamy. Still, the discourse about how common this practice is appears to clash with the data: Egalitarian marriages, where wives and husbands each contribute roughly half of the couple’s combined earnings, are on the rise, according to a 2023 report from the Pew Research Center.
What separates throning from past discussions about dating up, Chan says, is the social media element.
“The idea of dating up isn’t new,” Chan says. “People have always sought partners who could elevate their lifestyle or status. What’s different now is how much we care about how things look online. We live in the age of optics. Social media has turned love into a public performance, where your partner can enhance not just your life but your personal brand.”
What should people do about ‘throning’?
If the throning trend has you uneasy, the best thing to do is communicate with your partner about it. Start a conversation. After all, Chan says, “anxiety about someone’s intentions won’t be solved by overanalyzing or playing games.”
“Ask questions, share how you feel and pay attention to how they respond,” she says. “Emotional safety can’t exist without honesty.”
And, for all the throners out there, Chan encourages looking inward. Ask yourself what really matters to you in a relationship. Is it possible you’ve dismissed some potentially great partners because they didn’t have the clout you were looking for?
“Ask yourself what you truly value and whether your behavior reflects the kind of person and partner you want to be,” she says. “If it doesn’t, change course.”
Contributing: Adrianna Rodriguez
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