My Parents are Getting Divorced. Now What?

Ghosted by Your Parents’ Marriage: What No One Tells You About Divorce

One day, you’re living your normal (or “normal enough”) life. The next, your parents sit you down and drop the D-word, and suddenly everything shifts. Maybe you saw it coming—maybe you even wished for it if they fought all the time. Or maybe it hits you like a truck. Either way, your family just changed, and now you have to figure out what that even means.

Most conversations about divorce focus on the parents. “How do we co-parent effectively?” “How do we tell the kids?” Cool, great. But no one talks about what it actually feels like to be the kid.

Well, I’ve been there, so, let’s talk about it. Because when your parents split, it can feel a lot like being ghosted by the version of your family you thought you had.

Why This Hits So Hard

Divorce, especially during your teen years, messes with your head in ways you don’t expect or even understand. Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface:

✔️Your Brain is Still Developing—So It’s Extra Sensitive to Rejection

Your prefrontal cortex (the part that helps with reasoning) is still getting its act together, while your amygdala (the part that processes emotions) is running the show. This means big feelings hit hard—especially when it comes to rejection, abandonment, and changes in stability.

Divorce? That’s all of those things at once. Even if your parents reassure you it’s not about you, it feels like it is. Because that’s how your brain processes major shifts in attachment.

✔️It Messes With Your Sense of Control

As a teen, you’re already in this weird limbo between childhood and adulthood. You’re supposed to be gaining independence, but now major decisions about your life—where you live, how holidays work, even what stuff stays with which parent—are happening without your input. It can make you feel powerless.

✔️Your Attachment Style is Being Shaped Right Now

Psychologists talk about attachment theory, which basically says the way you experience relationships early on influences how you handle them later. If the divorce is messy—if one parent bails, or they constantly fight—you might develop insecure attachment patterns that make future relationships feel unstable.

From the time we’re babies, we learn what relationships are supposed to feel like. How people show love, how they handle conflict, how they show up (or don’t). Those early experiences shape the way we connect to others.

Divorce can shake that foundation—not because it automatically changes your attachment style, but because it challenges what you thought was stable. If the split is peaceful, you might still feel the shift, but you’ll have reassurance that love and commitment can change without completely breaking. If things get messy—if one parent leaves suddenly, if there’s betrayal, or if you feel like you have to pick a side—you might start questioning how safe relationships really are.

The good news? You’re not doomed to repeat the patterns you’ve seen. Just because your parents’ relationship ended doesn’t mean yours will. Just because someone walked away doesn’t mean everyone will. You get to decide what trust, love, and connection look like in your life.

✔️Your Identity is Tied to Your Family—Until It Isn’t

Even if home life wasn’t perfect, your family structure was part of your foundation. Divorce can make you feel like you don’t fully belong anywhere. If your parents suddenly have new partners, new homes, or even new kids, you might feel like you’re losing a version of yourself in the process.

What No One Tells You (But You Need to Hear)

Your Parents’ Divorce is NOT About You—Even If It Feels Like It Is

This one’s tough. When families break apart, it’s natural to wonder if something you did played a role. You might replay fights, think about times you got in trouble, or even remember moments when your parents seemed happy and wonder, Did I miss a sign?

It was never about you. It was about them—their choices, their emotions, their issues. Your parents are human, and sometimes humans get relationships wrong. It sucks that their breakup affects your life so much, but their marriage was never your responsibility.

You Don’t Have to Take Sides—But You Might Feel Pressured To

Some parents try to stay neutral. Others … don’t. If you feel like you’re being pulled into their drama, just know this, you don’t owe anyone your loyalty at the expense of your peace. You’re allowed to have relationships with both parents without being a messenger, therapist, or emotional support system. And if the pressure gets to be too much, it’s okay to speak up. You can set boundaries, let them know when something feels unfair, or simply say, “I love you both, but I’m not getting in the middle of this.” Your feelings matter too.

It’s Okay to Mourn the Family You Thought You Had

Even if the divorce makes sense, even if you didn’t love how things were before, you’re still allowed to grieve the version of your family that no longer exists. It’s real, and it’s valid. Let yourself feel it. Just don’t get stuck in the past—because your future is still yours to build.

So … What Do You Do With All of This?

If you’re in the middle of dealing with this right now, here are some actual things you can do to make it easier on yourself:

✅ Find One Safe Person to Talk To
This doesn’t have to be a parent. It can be a friend, sibling, teacher, therapist—someone who lets you say all the messy things without judgment.

✅ Don’t Bottle Everything Up
Your emotions don’t disappear just because you ignore them. Whether it’s writing, venting to a friend, or scream-singing to Olivia Rodrigo in your car, get them out.

✅ Ask Questions About What’s Next
You have a right to know what’s happening. If you’re not sure where you’ll live, how holidays will work, or how to keep the same routines—ask. Knowing what’s coming gives you a little bit of control back.

✅ Create Small Anchors of Stability
Divorce shakes things up. Having tiny routines—like a go-to comfort show, a favorite coffee shop, or a set hangout with friends—can make things feel less chaotic.

✅ Give Yourself Permission to Be Okay (Even When You’re Not Sure If You Should Be)
There’s no “right” way to feel. Some days you’ll be sad. Some days you’ll be relieved. Some days you won’t think about it at all. It’s all normal.

If no one else has said this to you yet, “You’re going to be okay.” Your parents’ divorce is one part of your story, not the whole thing. It doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t dictate your future relationships.

And if you ever feel like no one understands? Well, here’s proof that at least one person does. (Me. I do.) And trust me—you’re stronger than you think.

Remember, YOU GOT THIS!

XOXO